i Fly

when i was a child i learned that the indians ("native americans" i would later learn) believe that to talk about, to actively think about an incident means that you are in effect telling the cosmos to bring it on.

that, like many other bits and pieces of things i have read or heard along my way, i tucked away in the jagged shadows of my mind. it became a part of me and what i believe; it became what i make of myself. it became what i am becoming.

i think now of moving away from here, from these golden, rolling hills and the cracked rocks falling into the oceans of california, the bellissima that is sunset on highway 1 to half moon bay, that is coming down on the bridge to the east bay hills under the redden-purple of the clouds descending to the left and the yellow-green mixing smog to the right. i think of how satisfying my life is here right now:

content.

there is no pursuing of happiness there is no longing to be somedream else there is no pushing to runrunrun there is no discontentment of thisthis moment there is only

(( a breath ))

without the gasping that succeeds it without asthmatic wheezing without the choking for more more more (adventures) (journeys) (yous)

.period.

and when i think of moving, finding that alwaysthere dream on the other coast where i hole myself away in the tower of ivory and papyrus, of onlyme and the written histories of All Those Before

when i think of this, it is easy of me to think of happiness there, too, following me, coming with me (you) being there too

if i believe it (it), too, will c o m e.
(even if this is not mine to promise)

[[third parte]]

and i remember now, connected with these two thoughts, this final (fulfilling) image:
a dream, my mostoftenrepeated, the One that you Feel you Are,
truth fulfilled nirvana seen through and what
you picture heaven to be:

the dream that is not a dream, the one that is alter-image of this lifetime (which is
Actually
only a dream)

i am running so fast and so hard (there is no one behind me)
running without feeling the pain of pushing so hard (there is no one)
and i am willing myself faster
.Faster.
(there is no)
and, leaning forward,
i Go faster

i Fly.

gotten

i

i

called home one day and i said hi did you call she said no

thoroughly confused, i inquired as to whether perhaps another sibling with another name had snatched the phone, used it to call me
she said maybe

she said i think your sister did, she called

and continuing said oh well is there a message for me do you know why she called
she said well

i do believe

(she said)

i do believe that she left a message

what was the message i asked impatiently for now i have a shower to get into i have a pen in hand i am ready for the message don't have time right now for this have a dinner to get to

it was in regard to yesterday,

and stupidly i rush on i ask what, what was it yesterday (please don't play games i've things to)

my birthday.

ohmygod mother i'm so sorry i

i

i

forgot it's because you see all day i keep the calendar of the president of the ceo and i have no time you see to think of myself hey honey i forgot my mom's birthday don't feel bad about it i forgot his too and i have things to do mother you know it's this job--

she,
points out,
plainly,
seven kids,
one household,
graduate school,
hundreds of activities,

none

is

forgotten.